The Life-Changing Skill Every Black Woman Needs: How Thoughts, Feelings, Actions, and Results Shape Your Reality

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In this manifesto...
We're diving deep into one of the most liberating skills every Black woman navigating America’s social, political, and economic terrain can master: the connection between your thoughts, feelings, actions, and results. This post explores how you can use this framework—often aligned with cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT)—to reclaim your power, protect your peace, and embody the divine softness of Black womanhood, all while honoring your African roots and self-concept. If you’ve been on a journey to unlearn assimilation, return to ancestral wisdom, and design your reality intentionally, this post is your masterclass.

The Framework That Shifted Everything

Sometime in my late 30s, this concept dropped into my life like a spiritual download—and it has held me ever since:

Thoughts → Feelings → Actions → Results.

What sounds simple on the surface is actually the ultimate tool in radical self-awareness and soft power. It's the difference between being emotionally hijacked and being emotionally sovereign. Between responding with grace or reacting with regret. Between repeating patterns or rewriting your life.

And the beautiful part? You can enter this cycle from anywhere—start with your emotions, your actions, or your thoughts. But no matter where you start, the path always loops back to your beliefs. Let’s break this all the way down.

People Watching, Judgment, and the Truth About Thoughts

Let me tell you: I’m a Virgo. And I’m a professional-level people watcher. Judging? Oh baby, it’s an Olympic sport in my mind. But here’s the twist—I don’t use my judgment to be cruel or dismissive. I’ve trained myself to follow judgment with curiosity.

If I think, “Wow, those shoes are hideous,” I might also think, “But damn, she walks like the world is her runway.” That duality? That’s the muscle of compassion in action.

But I didn’t realize until much later that what I was actually practicing was the awareness of thoughts—and how those thoughts shaped my interactions, mood, and ultimately, my day.

A Work Scenario You’ve Probably Lived

Picture this: You and two coworkers are standing around chatting. A group walks in—loud, vocal, unbothered. You feel irritated. One coworker is unbothered. The other? Amused.

Same situation. Three completely different emotional responses. Why?

Thoughts.

• You think: “They’re so loud.” → You feel annoyed.

• Coworker thinks: “More people—whatever.” → Feels neutral.

• Third thinks: “They seem fun.” → Feels energized.

Those thoughts created different feelings, which then led to different actions:

• You rolled your eyes.

• Neutral coworker kept chatting.

• Energetic one went to join the new group.

And those actions? They’re shaping outcomes—reputations, relationships, opportunities, even how others perceive you. Multiply this by 365 days, and now we’re talking about your entire identity.

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You’re Not Overreacting—You’re Overthinking

Let’s talk about the real reason you got your feelings hurt when someone said something out of pocket:

It wasn’t the words.
It was your thoughts about the words.

Say someone calls you “too much.”

• One woman hears that and is devastated.

• Another is indifferent.

• Another thinks, “Damn right I’m too much—and not enough at the same time. Stay mad.”

Same situation. Different inner narratives. And guess what? Only the one who believed the comment was able to be hurt by it.

This doesn’t let people off the hook for being messy or disrespectful. But it does mean we get to ask:
“What am I making this mean about me?”

The Real Work: Mastering Your Identity in Real Time

One of the biggest leaps in this mindset is learning how to see yourself mid-pattern, not just after the fact. Most of us only connect the dots after the explosion:

• “Ohhh, I see what triggered me.”

• “Ahh, I acted from insecurity.”

• “Yep, I wanted validation.”

But with practice, you get to do it in real time:

• “I’m feeling anxious. What am I thinking right now?”

• “Why do I feel resistance here?”

• “Is this feeling coming from truth or trauma?”

That pause? That’s where power lives. That’s where you transform.

Using TFAR to Create the Life You Want

Let’s say you want to be peaceful, soft, and grounded in your feminine energy. But you keep ending up stressed, overwhelmed, and in survival mode.

Instead of trying to force peaceful actions, back it up:

• What are you thinking? ("I have to do it all.")

• What do you feel? (Overwhelm.)

• What’s the action? (Rushing, multitasking, overcommitting.)

• What’s the result? (Burnout.)

To shift, you have to change the thought. Try:
“It’s safe to rest.”
“I am supported.”
“I don’t need to earn ease.”

Now that thought creates a feeling of calm. Calm leads to slower actions. Slower actions lead to softer outcomes. THAT’S the soft life strategy.

What You Think About Others Reflects YOU

Let’s go even deeper.

That person who gets on your nerves? Your irritation is not about them—it’s about your thought about them.

And let’s not forget: they’re probably thinking the same about you.

• You think they’re loud? They think you’re judgmental.

• You think they’re arrogant? They think you’re insecure.

• You think they’re rude? They think you’re too sensitive.

And at the heart of that ping-pong match is your own unresolved self-talk. Judgment, after all, is often just a mirror reflecting back the parts of us we haven’t healed.

Radical Responsibility is Your Superpower

This framework—thoughts, feelings, actions, results—puts the pen back in your hand. You become the author of your reactions, your boundaries, your relationships, your outcomes.

So, the next time you catch yourself spiraling or stuck in a pattern, stop and ask:

• What’s the thought here?

• What do I want to feel instead?

• What action aligns with that feeling?

• What result am I really after?

Soft living isn’t about bubble baths and candles. It’s about mastering your mind so your soul can rest.

Your Next Move:

You are not your thoughts—but your life is shaped by them. If this clicked for you, then it’s time to start rewriting your thought patterns on purpose.

Grab a notebook and track your thoughts—change demands action. Track your results daily or weekly to see how your thoughts are creating your outcomes so you know what needs to change. Want extra support? Join the Rooted Mornings donation level or higher for access to more tools.

Call to Action:
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Live Pleasurably,

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